Mother, I miss you…

My home was in the arms of my mother and now I have no home…

It’s been more than one month that my beloved mother departed from this world. It’s not like I don’t smile or don’t do my routine work, but I miss her each and every moment.

While I am writing this, a part of me is missing. I feel lost and empty inside. The sad part is I can’t see her smile anymore, can’t listen her sweet voice filled with love. The way she used to call me “meri guriya meri pyari beti meri jaan” now there is no one to say all this to me. I love the way Ammi showered her love to everyone. This void can never be filled.

“Every soul shall taste death.”

A month ago, on November 27, 2021, it was Saturday afternoon. I woke up late as I travelled back to Lahore from Karachi to wind up my stuffs so that I could permanently shift back to Karachi where my parents lived. I took shower from cold water and was saying ammi ammi because whenever I feel scared or hurt, I usually say ammi. This is my habit. So, when I came outside, my husband told me that my mother was not feeling well and my father was taking her to the hospital. Then within one hour, it was a series of phone calls to ambulance service, my sister and abbu.

At 3:57 p.m. I received my sister’s call… she was sobbing, upon hearing her voice my heart began pounding… I was scared to listen what she wanted to say and then she said it out those words that shook me from inside out… “Behen, ammi nahi rahi… ammi chali gayi.” (Sister, our beloved ammi is no more in this world.)

I could not process this information and I handed my cellphone to my husband who asked her again. It was confirmed… ammi left us and this world. I still don’t remember what I did after that. I felt like someone took out my heart from my body. It was unbelievable; I felt numb because I realised that I could never see my ammi ever again.

I still remember vividly before my mother’s demise, two days ago on Thursday, I bid her goodbye.; she was seated on one side of the living room. She expressed pain on her leg and said that she could not stand at the moment so she would say her goodbyes while seated on a dining chair; she could not come to the door. I went to her, kissed and hugged her and as soon as I was leaving from the main door, I looked at her. Our gaze stayed on each other for a moment and at that instant, didn’t know how but I had tears in my eyes. I tried to suppress my emotions because I was in this impression that this distance was only for few days and then I would reunite with my parents once again.

This was my plan but my Allah SWT’s plan was different. We all know that life is uncertain but the funny thing is we tend to forget this notion. 

Her death certificate from the hospital mentioned that her cause of death was cardiac arrest. A piece of paper would only speak about her age, name and date of death, her legacy that she left behind is beyond this paper.

My mother was a woman of strength. She faced lots of difficulties but she never wavered and stood firm. One quality that I love and hate about her that no matter how much pain she endured, there was always a smile on her face.

Ammi always loved to cherish small celebrations. She always wanted to see us smile in every situation and value each and every blessing we have had in life.

Her prayer for everyone was “Khush raho hamesha beta or beti, Allah tumhe zindagi ki sari khushyan de.” (Always stay happy my child, may Allah showers you with all the happiness of this life.)

I do know that my Ammi was Allah SWT’s blessing to me and my sister and now she has returned to Allah.

This loss is greatly felt by my father who feels incomplete without her presence. My sister is also coping with this grief. We both are each other’s strength as our beloved Ammi used to say this.

I am thankful to Almighty Allah to bless me with a loving mother. She would always say that I and my sister are her world; in fact her life centred around us. She was never worried about solitude rather she would enjoy her own company.

Ammi would not say much but her love for Allah SWT was unexplained. Whenever I had any problem, Ammi would say “Beti Allah Hai na, sub theek hojaye ga.” (My daughter there is Allah SWT, everything will be fine)… her pray was enough to lift up my spirits.

My heart aches every single day to not hear this from ammi…A simple statement or word that your mother says to you means a lot after her departure from this world. When your parents are with you, you take it for granted but when one or both of them are not there, a void is felt that no one could fill…

I miss her and I know regardless how much I get occupied in my life’s hustle, she will always remain in my heart and soul. I am her daughter and no one in this world can take away this.